I’m worried about my body lately. It takes a lot for me to admit that because I grew up in a house where we didn’t really go to the doctor much. If we had a problem, we walked it off or waited for it to pass. Now i live with this mentality that I wait a couple weeks for my symptoms to go away. If they’re still bearable, I can live without seeing a doctor. I had shingles for weeks before I saw a doctor for it.

Josh and I lived in a house that had mold. Around the same time we noticed the mold, he started having his multiple sclerosis symptoms. Lucy died of liver polyps, which the vet attributed to genetics but Josh discovered is also a side effect of mold spores. He was convinced the house was giving him his MS symptoms, and it’s highly likely. When that was happening, I noticed a drop in my ability to focus and to process thought, but I contributed it to bad diet (and it likely was the case).

After that, I wasn’t really the same.

And now it’s getting worse. It has nothing to do with the mold this time, and I keep convincing myself it’s because I work long hours so it’s natural to be exhausted. Because I don’t exercise as much as I should. In all honesty, though, I’m starting to realize my adrenal glands aren’t performing well. I knew this would happen eventually as a side effect of my hypoglycemia. I’m getting 8 hours of sleep per night, allowing my body to wake up naturally out of a REM cycle rather than forcing it to wake up at a certain time. I thought my inability to focus had to do with my lack of glasses, so I got glasses. I’m still exhausted. I’m still getting migraines. My brain can’t focus. My anxiety levels are heightened, and my emotions aren’t the same.

I’m actually very worried about my body and about my self.

I feel as though I have a brain fog. I can’t even focus on writing this blog entry. I’m antsy but at the same time I’m yawning, my eyes are watering they’re so tired, my body feels exhausted.

When I’m in meetings, I can’t focus on what people are saying. I’m disinterested in what they’re saying. I’m not engaged in conversations and I can’t actively think about things any more.

Part of me feels like I’m making all of this up and that these symptoms are either nothing, or part of something else. But I also think that part of me exists because of that built in idea that I shouldn’t seek out help.

I’m coming up with a care plan that will help weed out external factors. Exercise daily - I went for a walk this morning. A regular diet filled with fiber and protein. Supplements to ensure I’m getting the vitamins I need. I need to do a detox on my body to get all the yeasts and bacteria out. I need to stop consuming sugar. I need to drink more water.

I was doing a lot of these things for a while, and I felt amazing. I need to keep a healthy balance so I’m not fucking my body up, though. I don’t eat processed foods anymore, and I’ve been consuming a LOT more raw foods.

First on the list: no more coffee or sugar. High grain foods regularly. Detox tea and candida cleanse.

If, in two weeks, I don’t start feeling better, I’m going to go see a doctor. This can;t continue this way.

So it looks like I may be starting to bathe outside of my apartment sooner than expected. As of last night, I realized I no longer have hot water. I’m not sure if this has anything to do with me not paying my energy bill yet, but I still have electric! Though without the hot water, I basically have no use for my apartment….

And that brings me back to my task list: I need to get D batteries, figure out a graywater system…

I slept on the couch in my apartment last night because I needed to charge my phone and it was pretty humid outside. It’s going to be more humid and hot today and tomorrow, so this is something I need to get used to. It’d be nice if I could park in an isolated place so I can open my door and feel “safe” about it, rather than having my door open right next to someones home, or in a busy location where someone could pass close by.

Feeling pretty tired this morning, despite having gotten 8 hours of sleep. My hip hurts and I can’t stretch my legs out very well. I don’t see this being a very good day so far.

- get d cell batteries for fan
- figure out greywater system
- find alternate night parking

I’ve got pictures of the van fully organized. Will upload tomorrow. Night, folks.

Stove saga continues. I got a utility lighter after attempting to light my stove again. Every indication on this stove is that it IS an ignition stove. It even has directions for the ignition burner. But I cannot. get. this. to. light.

I tried the utility lighter. I know the propane is getting to the burner, but it’s not igniting. I don’t know how to fix this. Could it be a problem with the ignition switch in the stove?

Seriously? All I want is my rice and lentils.

Sometimes I feel like a survivalist.

Only a little, though, and only sometimes.

I went to Meijer and bought things I’d been needing for a while: a cooler, several gallons of water, a sponge with soap dispenser thing, and a canister of pepper spray. I looked at the cashier and smiled and laughed a little. You know that game people play? What 3 things can you put on the checkout stand that will freak the cashier out the most? I felt like i was playing that game. The cashier smiled and we chatted politely. I mentioned the game and he said no, he’s seen way weirder. When I left, he told me to keep on playing the game.

Pretty sure I’m done playing games. I really want to be OUT of my apartment. I keep getting sidetracked by things, but I have most stuff in boxes. I need to move my kitchen stuff into my van. I really do want to downsize more because I feel like I have TOO MUCH stuff in there. I have a direction and I’m off running. I just need to get rid of the excess weight dragging me down. Stupid analogy but I have WAY. TOO. MUCH. STUFF.

I’m realizing my van has got a lot of little creature comforts and today I bought another, previously mentioned. I got a 36 quart coleman extreme cooler, apparently that keep things cool for 5 days. I also got 4 very large ice packs, though, so I can switch them out. I need to be able to keep food in storage and not use the fridge at work as much. If I’m not at work, I don’t have any of my perishable stuff and then I tend to just not eat, or I eat crap. I also would like a place I can store my cooked food if I have leftovers. I think Ill be eating much better from now on. I went on a raw diet a while ago for a reason, but it seems I’ve been neglecting it SO much. Now i can make a lot of smoothies ahead of time and store them in the cooler.

I had intended to experiment with using the coleman two burner stove this week but it was so hot I never got around to it. Earlier in the week I slept on my mothers couch, and then I slept on the couch in my apartment in front of a fan. It’s been nearly 100 degrees, though around Thursday it started cooling down. Last night I was able to sleep in the van again. I put a sleeping bag in the middle of the folded over futon and I feel like it helped a lot with padding. I have another sleeping bag I need to store so I may do it in the same way, except maybe underneath the futon instead of between.

I ran into Matt in the parking lot of waterstreet today, and he was showing a friend of his his van. It’s interesting how me getting my van inspired so many other people to act on the ideas theyd been harboring for a while. Apparently Matt had been talking about living in his van for two years but never followed through on it. When I started talking about it, though, he decided to go for it.Last night when I was sitting at fourth coast, Kyle was talking about wanting a van. Another guy named Luke started living out of his car around the same time I bought my van and first started talking about it. We’re turning into the Kalamazoo Caravan. It makes me feel more connected to a community, which is something I’ve been looking for here for a while. It came at a time when I was feeling so disconnected from everything, too. My entire life is west right now. I’ve been cut off from a lot of my friends here, and lost interest in others. Work consumes my time. I don’t want to try to find more roots here because I don’t want to be here except for my job. I want to be with Tash. Knowing there are other people here that are inspired to live their politics makes me feel great. I’m not alone.

And honestly, most people don’t even look sideways when I talk about the van. To the people who know me, it’s just another one of those things I do. Some people who don’t know me are freaked out by it. I get the typical questions: how do you shower, how do you eat? Luckily right now I still have an apartment and can use the shower there. I’m curious if I really will use the showers at the YMCA or if I’ll just use showers at friends houses. Bethani agreed to let me use hers.

Tomorrow I’ll spend a lot of time organizing the van. I’ll take pictures and finally post them here <3

I am desperately looking forward to more freedom in my van when I move west. I am so excited to have this in my life. I am so excited to adventure like this.

I imagine soon I’ll have more day-to-day posts about the van as I fully transition to living in it. I’d like to get away from using my apartment in the next week or two. That will be my goal for next week. Tomorrow i can really cook on the stove, and then next week I’ll experiment with ways to avoid having to use my apartment.

I think that also entails getting a little john. I need to find one of those. Yeahhhh. I’ll be making a wishlist.