I am so fucking in love with Tash. I don’t think I’ve expressed that quite as explicitly yet. She is such a beautiful and generous and loving person. I don’t know what kindness I put forth into the world to get such love in return, but I will gladly accept it with a whole, healthy heart and love her as equally back.
My website expired for a while there. I’m currently unemployed and relying on the very, very gracious nature of my soon to be wife, Tash. While I was busy being a pouty ten year old, throwing a temper tantrum over the THIRD domain name I would have lost to expiration, she was telling me she would just renew the damn thing (which I refused) (which she refused to hear) (which made me pout more) (which made her say OKAY FINE IM JUST GOING TO DO IT)
And that was that. I’m back.
By the way, I also moved across the country a month ago, I’m living in Portland, I’m getting married in less than two weeks.
So, that about sums everything up. More later.
I’ve started this post a few times now but i haven’t actually finished it.
Today is Monday. Today is Monday, which is the day before Tuesday. Tuesday is election day. Tomorrow is Tuesday, August 3rd, which is election day. Which is the day I’ve been working toward since April 1st. On Wednesday, August 4th, Sean will be closer to being the state representative for the 60th district.
Except I won’t be around when that happens, because on August 7th, I’m leaving for Portland/Vancouver for good.
Last weekend I took a couple days off to think about what I was doing. I want to be gone - I wanted to move to Portland to be closer to my love. I was tired of the stress and even more tired of the physical manifestations of that stress. Mostly, however, I was just tired. I made a choice for my health that I would leave after the primary and go west, and I’ve been counting down the days since the moment I decided.
On saturday, I’m done in Michigan and driving to Vancouver - straight through, if I’m able. Ill spend a few days with my family first, and then come back to Kalamazoo for a campaign meeting. I’ll meet up with some friends to have a going away party (location STILL undecided) and hopefully head out.
I did get my van looked at, though, and it appears I’ll need to change my brakelines, my front left breakpads and rotor, and the tierod. Yeah. I am not entirely sure i have the time or money for this, but I need to get it done before I leave for the West coast.
I’m feeling kind of antsy about it all. I want to start driving. I want to go through states ive never been, take pictures, listen to audio books in the car, stop at rest stops and cook on my grill, sleep for a few hours in my van and adventure westward until I get to Vancouver and stumble into Tash’s bed. It feels unreal - not even surreal, but entirely unreal and impossible that this is happening in just a few days.
I am SO damn excited!
Drinking water. Took a probiotic. Got multivitamins. Ate redbean soup. Feeling clearer. My head hurts but there’s less of a fog.
I’m worried about my body lately. It takes a lot for me to admit that because I grew up in a house where we didn’t really go to the doctor much. If we had a problem, we walked it off or waited for it to pass. Now i live with this mentality that I wait a couple weeks for my symptoms to go away. If they’re still bearable, I can live without seeing a doctor. I had shingles for weeks before I saw a doctor for it.
Josh and I lived in a house that had mold. Around the same time we noticed the mold, he started having his multiple sclerosis symptoms. Lucy died of liver polyps, which the vet attributed to genetics but Josh discovered is also a side effect of mold spores. He was convinced the house was giving him his MS symptoms, and it’s highly likely. When that was happening, I noticed a drop in my ability to focus and to process thought, but I contributed it to bad diet (and it likely was the case).
After that, I wasn’t really the same.
And now it’s getting worse. It has nothing to do with the mold this time, and I keep convincing myself it’s because I work long hours so it’s natural to be exhausted. Because I don’t exercise as much as I should. In all honesty, though, I’m starting to realize my adrenal glands aren’t performing well. I knew this would happen eventually as a side effect of my hypoglycemia. I’m getting 8 hours of sleep per night, allowing my body to wake up naturally out of a REM cycle rather than forcing it to wake up at a certain time. I thought my inability to focus had to do with my lack of glasses, so I got glasses. I’m still exhausted. I’m still getting migraines. My brain can’t focus. My anxiety levels are heightened, and my emotions aren’t the same.
I’m actually very worried about my body and about my self.
I feel as though I have a brain fog. I can’t even focus on writing this blog entry. I’m antsy but at the same time I’m yawning, my eyes are watering they’re so tired, my body feels exhausted.
When I’m in meetings, I can’t focus on what people are saying. I’m disinterested in what they’re saying. I’m not engaged in conversations and I can’t actively think about things any more.
Part of me feels like I’m making all of this up and that these symptoms are either nothing, or part of something else. But I also think that part of me exists because of that built in idea that I shouldn’t seek out help.
I’m coming up with a care plan that will help weed out external factors. Exercise daily - I went for a walk this morning. A regular diet filled with fiber and protein. Supplements to ensure I’m getting the vitamins I need. I need to do a detox on my body to get all the yeasts and bacteria out. I need to stop consuming sugar. I need to drink more water.
I was doing a lot of these things for a while, and I felt amazing. I need to keep a healthy balance so I’m not fucking my body up, though. I don’t eat processed foods anymore, and I’ve been consuming a LOT more raw foods.
First on the list: no more coffee or sugar. High grain foods regularly. Detox tea and candida cleanse.
If, in two weeks, I don’t start feeling better, I’m going to go see a doctor. This can;t continue this way.
So it’s begun. I’m out of my apartment now, apparently, as I have no use for a unit without power. Two nights ago I dyed my hair and noticed there was no hot water, but that happens sometimes. In the morning it was the same way (but I had power during this time). Yesterday the power went out in parts of town, including our office, so I worked at waterstreet until 10:30pm. I needed a shower because I hadn’t taken one in days, so I tried my apartment again and the power is completely out.
Unrelated to the power outage in the city, more directly related to the fact that I hadn’t paid the bill. Probably. Except I don’t remember getting a shut off notice. I didn’t, however, pay the $189 they balance forwarded from my old apartment that my old roommate was to pay. I refuse to pay it. They told me if I didn’t pay it, they’d shut off my power (and they have). Either way, I will pay the rest of the bill, which is about $100, and call it good. I wish I had power to at least vacuum my floor before I move out, but oh well.
So last night I showered at Bethani’s house and then spent an additional 45 minutes to an hour trying to find a place I could park and get internet (with no luck, so I had to cancel my Skype date with Tash and we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours instead).
So it looks like I may be starting to bathe outside of my apartment sooner than expected. As of last night, I realized I no longer have hot water. I’m not sure if this has anything to do with me not paying my energy bill yet, but I still have electric! Though without the hot water, I basically have no use for my apartment….
And that brings me back to my task list: I need to get D batteries, figure out a graywater system…
I slept on the couch in my apartment last night because I needed to charge my phone and it was pretty humid outside. It’s going to be more humid and hot today and tomorrow, so this is something I need to get used to. It’d be nice if I could park in an isolated place so I can open my door and feel “safe” about it, rather than having my door open right next to someones home, or in a busy location where someone could pass close by.
Feeling pretty tired this morning, despite having gotten 8 hours of sleep. My hip hurts and I can’t stretch my legs out very well. I don’t see this being a very good day so far.
Does anyone know of an offline editor for Wordpress compatible with osx? I just want something that I can write a post in when I’m offline that will auto publish when I get back to a connection.
- get d cell batteries for fan
- figure out greywater system
- find alternate night parking
I’ve got pictures of the van fully organized. Will upload tomorrow. Night, folks.
After several attempts, I got the stove to work! The burner flame was lower than I thought, and I’m sure the first couple attempts had it lit, but I couldn’t tell because of the light and the low flame. When I turned it up higher in the shade, it was easier to see.
It’s a powerful little flame, too! Of course, I’m not using heavy duty cookware for camping. With a very low flame, though, it works perfectly.
My first cooking experiment was with making brown rice and lentils spiced with nutmeg and cinnamon, and blackbeans with sauteed onions and garlic. VERY delicious!
Camping stove on tv tray, with propane supported by the step of my van
A few things to note:
I need to streamline the process a little bit better, and make sure I have everything in one place in my van to use, so I’m not constantly having to move from the front to back to get things like my table, my stove, etc. This is easier said than done given how the van is set up, but I need to consider gathering all my materials before starting to cook.
I need to get a small table or something I can chop veggies on. Having the cuttingboard in my lap to chop doesn’t really work (and isn’t really safe).
Chopped garlic, can opener, olive oil, onion!
It feels very awkward cooking next to a van with the doors open. I wonder if I were to cook INSIDE the van, with the doors open, if it would work better. I wouldn’t have to constantly get out of the van to check food, go back in to grab something, out again, in again. It’s really cumbersome.
Overall, though, I think the experiment worked fairly well. I feel comfortable cooking like this. I don’t generally eat a lot of cooked foods and when I do, I cook a lot at a time to save for multiple meals. Now that I have the cooler, I think this’ll work out better.
Here are a few more pictures:
I’ve been quitting smoking for the past week or so, as well. At first I tried quitting cold turkey, but it really wasn’t working. I was frustrated at everything, sitting in my office, yelling at tash and wanting to cry. She finally asked me to PLEASE just go buy a pack of cigarettes, so we came up with a plan for me to gradually cut back and then quit altogether. <3 she’s a future addictions counselor and knows her shit! It’s working pretty well. The biggest part is remembering to stick to it, and having the internal strength to follow through. At this point, I’m allowing myself one cigarette every 6 hours, which usually works out to 2 per day, sometimes 3.
Speaking of tash, I got a package in the mail from her today! We weren’t sure how long it would take to get here, so she sent it to my mothers address. Now i have to drive to Grand Rapids to pick it up. I’m so excited! I want to go there NOW to get it!