Sometimes I feel like a survivalist.

Only a little, though, and only sometimes.

I went to Meijer and bought things I’d been needing for a while: a cooler, several gallons of water, a sponge with soap dispenser thing, and a canister of pepper spray. I looked at the cashier and smiled and laughed a little. You know that game people play? What 3 things can you put on the checkout stand that will freak the cashier out the most? I felt like i was playing that game. The cashier smiled and we chatted politely. I mentioned the game and he said no, he’s seen way weirder. When I left, he told me to keep on playing the game.

Pretty sure I’m done playing games. I really want to be OUT of my apartment. I keep getting sidetracked by things, but I have most stuff in boxes. I need to move my kitchen stuff into my van. I really do want to downsize more because I feel like I have TOO MUCH stuff in there. I have a direction and I’m off running. I just need to get rid of the excess weight dragging me down. Stupid analogy but I have WAY. TOO. MUCH. STUFF.

I’m realizing my van has got a lot of little creature comforts and today I bought another, previously mentioned. I got a 36 quart coleman extreme cooler, apparently that keep things cool for 5 days. I also got 4 very large ice packs, though, so I can switch them out. I need to be able to keep food in storage and not use the fridge at work as much. If I’m not at work, I don’t have any of my perishable stuff and then I tend to just not eat, or I eat crap. I also would like a place I can store my cooked food if I have leftovers. I think Ill be eating much better from now on. I went on a raw diet a while ago for a reason, but it seems I’ve been neglecting it SO much. Now i can make a lot of smoothies ahead of time and store them in the cooler.

I had intended to experiment with using the coleman two burner stove this week but it was so hot I never got around to it. Earlier in the week I slept on my mothers couch, and then I slept on the couch in my apartment in front of a fan. It’s been nearly 100 degrees, though around Thursday it started cooling down. Last night I was able to sleep in the van again. I put a sleeping bag in the middle of the folded over futon and I feel like it helped a lot with padding. I have another sleeping bag I need to store so I may do it in the same way, except maybe underneath the futon instead of between.

I ran into Matt in the parking lot of waterstreet today, and he was showing a friend of his his van. It’s interesting how me getting my van inspired so many other people to act on the ideas theyd been harboring for a while. Apparently Matt had been talking about living in his van for two years but never followed through on it. When I started talking about it, though, he decided to go for it.Last night when I was sitting at fourth coast, Kyle was talking about wanting a van. Another guy named Luke started living out of his car around the same time I bought my van and first started talking about it. We’re turning into the Kalamazoo Caravan. It makes me feel more connected to a community, which is something I’ve been looking for here for a while. It came at a time when I was feeling so disconnected from everything, too. My entire life is west right now. I’ve been cut off from a lot of my friends here, and lost interest in others. Work consumes my time. I don’t want to try to find more roots here because I don’t want to be here except for my job. I want to be with Tash. Knowing there are other people here that are inspired to live their politics makes me feel great. I’m not alone.

And honestly, most people don’t even look sideways when I talk about the van. To the people who know me, it’s just another one of those things I do. Some people who don’t know me are freaked out by it. I get the typical questions: how do you shower, how do you eat? Luckily right now I still have an apartment and can use the shower there. I’m curious if I really will use the showers at the YMCA or if I’ll just use showers at friends houses. Bethani agreed to let me use hers.

Tomorrow I’ll spend a lot of time organizing the van. I’ll take pictures and finally post them here <3

I am desperately looking forward to more freedom in my van when I move west. I am so excited to have this in my life. I am so excited to adventure like this.

I imagine soon I’ll have more day-to-day posts about the van as I fully transition to living in it. I’d like to get away from using my apartment in the next week or two. That will be my goal for next week. Tomorrow i can really cook on the stove, and then next week I’ll experiment with ways to avoid having to use my apartment.

I think that also entails getting a little john. I need to find one of those. Yeahhhh. I’ll be making a wishlist.

I wrote this Saturday and then lost it in cyberspace. I found it!

In the office right now, not feeling very well. It’s independence day weekend and the only thing that means to me is that I get tomorrow off of work and I’m going to the beach. I’ll be leaving here shortly to go to my apartment and organize some of my stuff into boxes to bring to Grand Rapids to give to my mother. I hope I can find the energy to move bookshelves and boxes of books.

My lease is up at the end of the month and I’ve been using my apartment less and less. It doesn’t feel like home there any longer, except as a place to park and shower. I’d like to check out the showers at the Y to see how usable they are. Bethani doesn’t get her new apartment in the Vine neighborhood for another few weeks, so if I’m out of my apartment sooner - which I’d like, so I can get prorated rent for this month and not have to spend that money - I’ll need to get that YMCA membership sooner.

It’s starting to get hot again. It was getting a bit cool for a few nights and that was nice. I woke up cold a few times, but I have plenty of blankets. I think I’ll have less of a problem with the cold than I am with the hot. I don’t like the heat very much. I think I may end up hooking up some sort of generator system. I was talking to chris about gel cell batteries and inverters. He also said I could look into getting a mini fridge from an RV place that i could hook up. Hadn’t really thought about that, but I think it would be a great idea. I think I’d like to try cooking the canned food I have before i look into cold storage. And before I even do that, I’d like to figure out a way I can insulate or protect my big metal van from heat. I need ventilation in the back somehow but I don’t want to compromise security with windows.

Suggestions?

I had the realization just now that living in my van will be a lot like the month or two I spent living on a 5×5 square patch of floor in Stevies studio apartment in summer 2008. Except better because ill have all my stuff with me instead of just one tote of clothes.

Got the wire hanging rack drilled on and clothes stored. I still have 3 rubbermaid totes available to put storage items in. This is coming together!

My life has been coming together in the strangest ways lately. I’ve felt more motivated and connected to my work than I have in a long time. I’ve felt more connectedness with people than I have in a long time.

I read my cards for the first time in months the other night. I usually do a simple three card spread when I read my cards to get a general picture of energy flow, and my cards were amazing. My present was about accomplishing, feeling fulfilled, becoming involved. My future about acknowledging an attraction and making a connection.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about moving to Portland. The idea has much more draw behind it lately. I’ve considered moving to the pacific northwest before, but there was always something keeping me in Kalamazoo. I love my town, I love my state, and I’d love to keep doing what I’m doing here…. but the pull in that direction of my life has become too great. My two best friends live out there. A lady who is becoming very, very special to me lives out there. I feel like I’m becoming reinvested in my personal politics lately and living my values, and that’s another step toward actualizing those thoughts.

Yesterday morning I woke up sleepy and almost didn’t go to the Westnedge Hill garage sales, but I really wanted to see if I could find a record player. As I wandered lonely around the streets, I enjoyed the sun and warmth and wind. I came across Marissa selling cupcakes and it was beautiful. I found Rebekah sitting on some steps, sipping a mimosa with a mashed strawberry in it. We talked Marxism and Mayday and workers rights.

We found a van.

Outside her house was a white van for sale. We talked about how I set out today with two thoughts in my head: car and record player. This van had hard wood floors because the man who owned it is a carpenter, and it is beautiful. She and I talked about how I could easily live out of it and then do whatever I want.

I could drive to Portland in it.

She did so much convincing. Dave showed up and dealed further. I kept repeating that I needed a car, that I needed to be responsible, that I needed to be respectable. Rebekah pointed out that I have these politics around personal property and home and why not do it if I’m at this perfect point in my life?

A lot of people who knew me when i was younger will recognize here my obsession with buying a shortbus and gutting the seats to turn it into a camper to take across the country. Others who know me well will recognize my strong attachment to that free travel where I can exist in a self contained space. The idea of buying that van was so powerful.

The carpenter bought it so he could take it to Arizona and live in it for a while, but it didn’t work out. After talking to me, and after I drove away, he told Rebekah that he felt I was a kindred spirit and he was very glad to give it to me because I would appreciate it.

So now I have a van. I have a beautiful van with hard wood floors that I will be living in. Yesterday after I bought it, I would forget for a moment that I had it and that in three months, this van will be my home for another three months. I’m slowly going to make the transition into living in it while I still have my apartment, so I can have that transitionary time to understand my feelings around those politics. I had been sort of overwhelmed with the idea of having a safe space to park and use a kitchen/refridgerator and shower and then a short conversation with jennette solved that problem.

I feel like this is going to be a very cleansing experience. I am stripping my life down to the barest and doing only what I need, saving what I can, and finding the freedom and strength to leave when I’ve completed what I need to here.

I’m excited to find that balance and understanding. I’m excited to make this space a home.

I’m very nervous, though, because this is a big political step. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and something I can cross off my internal bucket list. At the same time, though, I’m fighting against so many societal conceptions around housing, transientness, and radical politics. I’ve told a few people I’m doing this and had more than a couple appalled responses. At the same time, almost every one else I know is supportive and very excited for me. I think maybe that means I’ve done a good job portraying this is something I really want an need to do.

Either way, I need to name this van. Monday I’m getting plates and insurance on it and will be driving it exclusively. I’m thrilled. I’m excited to start looking into and saving for Portland. I was looking at jobs and organizations on idealist.org last night and I am already so excited and KNOW this is the right decision.

A Review.

A gentleman walked into the bank yesterday in complete neon green bike regalia. It is officially Spring, even though the temperature remains at a steady (and extremely deceptive 34 degrees farenheit). The sun in shining, though, and that is what matters. I feel like everyone feels slightly happier. I can’t wait for real Spring to be here.

He and I started talking about bikes and where I can buy a new one cheaply. He was about my height, thin ish and I would imagine middle aged. I pegged him as business professional and he had short, trimmed, silvery hair. He was everything a silver fox should be. We somehow got onto the topic of the Peace Corps and I told him I was currently in the throes of the application process. He was extremely impressed and wished me well. We exchanged stories and he told me he had also looked in to the Peace Corps recently but had to back out because life got in the way. He mentioned a book and a website I should check out, and even went as far as to say he would loan me the book if I were interested.

Twenty minutes later, he came back into the store and said his engagement had been canceled, so he biked home and grabbed the book for me. In a complete pay-it-forward moment, he told me I could borrow it for a month but I gave him $10 so I could keep it. I flew through it last night and I am extremely glad I did.

Though the internet is an unending source of information, it can sometimes become overwhelming when you want simple, direct answers. Banerjee’s book is very well organized and answers many general questions about the application process, life in training and in your host country, and life after the Peace Corps. I was surprised about how candid he was at times about particularly sticky questions: drugs and sex in the Peace Corps. I’m surprised that a lot of the information in the book reaffirmed my excitement for this process. Discovering more of the inner workings in a more detached way (not the frustrated way many current PCVs blog about when theyre in the midst of these processes) was extremely beneficial.

My book was the second edition published in 2009 by Ten Speed Press, for what it’s worth. A lot of the experiences I’ve come across have been older so I wasn’t sure how trustworthy they were. This is recent enough for me that I trust the research and experience. I may even give it to my mother and Quinten to read when I get my placement. I know Q already understands a lot of the process, but my mother will be completely clueless and I want to give her an honest look into what will happen.

Speaking of the throes of the application process, though…. Jesus. Last night I completed my final essay and sent all three of my potential references notifications I will be needing their letters of recommendation. I received one email in return and I nearly cried.

I had the extreme good fortune of working under Jon Hoadley, former executive director of the Stonewall Democrats, who left that organization in order to work on 1856 with us folks here in Kalamazoo. He is an amazingly brilliant man and full of energy. Basically, I adore him. He was my first choice for a letter of recommendation, and the first to respond. His email, however, played a trick on me: at first, he said he wouldn’t be able to provide me with a letter.

Seriously, I wanted to cry. I was embarrassed and sad. I was on my lunch break and my blood sugar was low and I was suddenly crushed.

Jesus.

Eventually, after a few exchanges, I came to find out that my phone is deceptive! For some reason, it doesn’t like to load the full email if there is a lot of white space…. Can you see where this is going? There were four pages of white space after the original text and then “Of Course I’d love to write you a letter of recommendation!” He congratulated me and said he was glad for my experience, and also congratulated me for joining the task force for Seeding Change, the Great Lakes regional branch of the Peacejam Foundation.

Well played, Jon. Well played. I am going to bake you the most delicious cookies in the world to make up for your deception.

Wait, what?

Either way, I’m waiting to hear back from my other letters of recommendation and finally submit this application!